In about 8 months, I will be hitting the big 3-0. I will likely be single and definitely without children. No, not trying to become my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Just being realistic. And after my last(and VERY brief) dating endeavor, I'm perfectly fine with that.
Let me explain....
I'm one of the easiest people to get along with. Really. But my tolerance for insecurity, neediness, and the constant need of validation is VERY low and anyone coming along with that type of baggage is a turn off....a HUGE turnoff. I'm not someone with the aforementioned issues, so should I be expected to compromise because of someone's interest in something more? Absolutely not! Why? Because I value my mental health.
Any time you encounter individuals who either take you out of your happy place, or make you feel like you constantly have to defend or counter misconceptions they've created in their deluded minds about you, then it's not worth it. When they make assumptions about you based upon their narrow views of the world and because of THEIR personal experiences, rather than taking the time to ACTUALLY LISTEN, it's not worth it. When they complain about all of the things you don't do(the entitled patriarchal mentality of some is astounding....but not surprising! lol), when you're not even seriously dating, nor have either of you scratched the surfaces of discovering ANYTHING substantive about each other(outside of his intellectual/mental deficiencies), it's not worth it. If every conversation ends with you ready to beat your head against a brick wall because that's far more appealing and satisfying than listening to nonsensical reasoning....it's JUST NOT WORTH IT.
I was told by this person that I'm selfish and that I take advantage of "nice guys". That was what pushed me over the edge and had me FINALLY say that I'm through. I'd never invalidate anyone's feelings, but when you push an INACCURATE opinion as a truth, yet again, and expect me to be okay with it.....it's not gonna work in the homie department, NOR in the friendship department. Nil. Funny that I was being painted as the user. I was being used to validate whatever that person had been missing up until that point. My attention filled some type of superficial void, and whenever I didn't[fill it], I was then made to feel like I was a jerk. Intentionally or not, I don't have the time. Especially when I've only known the person for ONE WHOLE MONTH. Yup, you read it correctly. A month. So who was being nice in dealing with alladis? LMAO! And interesting how women are often called the more emotional of the sexes. Such a sexist opinion that has been discredited so many times in my experience. :P
Or maybe I was a glutton for punishment; being the nice, understanding, compassionate person I've been told that I am(yadda yadda yadda....).
Anyway, because I AM much more guarded when it comes to the opposite sex now, and was told as a result, was "frigid"(his words....Ha!), I consciously tried to loosen up a bit. But honestly, all the loosening up in the world wouldn't have equaled compatibility. I choose sanity, over-all compatibility, happiness, etc. over a quasi and mentally draining POTENTIAL "relationship". Hell, potential FRIENDSHIP! I couldn't even call him a friend! Why should I or any other person have to choose one desire over another? Is it not feasible to maintain your sanity AND have a fulfilling relationship?
One-sided compromise is no longer part of my vocab. One should never have to compromise when the end result leaves you unhappy and/or discontent. I don't wanna have a perpetual headache AND concussion! LOL!
At the end of the day, in the words of Tamia:
I choose me....
Natural Urbanista
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8 comments:
Woooow! I can completely relate. I actually entered into a relationship w/ someone who was exactly as you described (why didnt you write this post 18 months ago lol). And I left the relationship b/c his insecurities and mental health issues were taking a toll on my well-being. So glad you posted this - I needed this confirmation.
LOL! Unfortunately, I didn't have a blogger account back then. :P But FORTUNATELY for myself, I never entered into a relationship with the person referenced in my post. I think I would've walked out of that situation a different person, and I'm not sure for the better. People like that can drain the light out of you. I refused to let it get anywhere NEAR that point.
I'm glad that you were able to get out of your situation, though! Nothing good comes out of emotionally draining(and seemingly controlling) relationships.
Amen! And good for you!
Glad you dismissed that possible toxic situation.
Preach, preach! Sadly enough, a lot of us fall prey to that b.s. and end up coming out of an unhealthy relationship wondering what we did wrong. Kudos to you!
You don't need anyone in your life causing all that commotion. Thank goodness you kicked his pathetic butt to the curb. The worse thing in the world to do is settle ... continue being the strong woman that you are and living life to the fullest!
@ChocolateOrchid That's an excellent way to describe it as potentially being: toxic.
@Kiianah It's funny you say that, because I think we notice the red flags early on(I did), but I was trying to give him a chance. Sound familiar? *smh*
@Kicha That's one thing I refuse to do. I'm not settling with just anyone just because I want to be in and miss being in a relationship. I don't want or miss it THAT MUCH where I find myself dealing with people I'd otherwise run away from! LOL! Plus, there are a lot of things I want in life, but I've been patient thus far so I have no issues with waiting a little bit longer. ;)
I know I'm late but whatever. I wanted to say I'm glad you wrote this because I'm glad to know I'm not the only person like this. Like you, I'm super nice and easy to get along with but I'm not going to validate male insecurities at the expense of my self and sense of reality. I had to set a friend straight when he tried to argue with me that was the hardest worker on the planet. I said "I can offer you sympathy and tell you I know how it feels to work hard but I'm not going to sit here and validate you by telling you you're the hardest working person on the planet."
A.) cause it wasn't true and B,) because he tried to tell me that even though at the time I had three jobs and he had one he still managed to work more and harder than me and therefore deserved more sympathy. Not even!
Sorry I wrote so much but I just wanted to share!
Compromise is essential in a relationship, but you are so right in saying - not when it makes you unhappy. I'm so saddened by all the unhappily married or unhappily together folks, when there are great folks out here looking for luv. How can you find the Rightone when your with Wrongone. Good post and good luck to you, he's out there.
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