Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I have an active imagination....

And sometimes it leads me to have these internal conversations with myself. I'm one of two on my mother's side, and one of some potentials on my father's side(long story....don't ask, lol), although I am, for all intents and purposes, his only child. I think being the youngest by 15 years had something to do with being an imaginative child. Always able to entertain myself with grandiose visions, ranging from being a concert pianist to an oratorical speaker.

Maybe because I sang in choir and had the fortune of being the only student Mrs. Taylor let touch her keys.

Maybe because I was almost forced to speak in front of crowds as a VERY shy kid.

Fast forward to today, and many of those private(and not so private) idiosyncrasies have remained a...mainstay. :P

I imagine what my future will entail...even as an almost 30 year old. I imagine the house and car, the maybe-could be-wanna be-husband and our hypothetical children, and mostly because society has ingrained this vision of the "American Dream" into our heads. Then I remember....I'm a-typical. Not sure I want a house. Maybe because I may want the world to be my address one day, so being stuck with a mortgage isn't an undesirable. Then I think about the car, and well....I've survived this long without one, as most folks from D.C. tend to do. Then, I think about the hubby and well, my logic won't allow me to see the rationality in being with one man, happily and in love, for the rest of my natural-born life. Yes, it can happen. Yes, this would be an ideal because I'm a long-term minded woman. Always have been. But is this truly a realistic expectation?

Remove the romanticized ideals made popular.

Remove the religious standpoint...if at all possible, and look at it bare bones.

I've had to do that. I'd love to have something long lasting and loving and nurturing, but my progressive mind believes that marriage doesn't equal forever. It's a contract, in legal terms. And a promise and commitment, under God, if you so believe. Your commitment to each-other extends to how long you're willing to honor them. And most folks are fickle and selfish and about mememe, and aren't worth the ink drying on their future divorce papers. Harsh, I know. But it's an unfortunate reality.

And then I think about children. I joke with my dad telling him I'm not having any anytime soon, and I can feel a collective sigh just suck the air out of the room. I know he would like to experience having a little one running around, but I don't foresee it happening in the near future.

For I am too selfish. I want to be 100% content with where my life is leading me. I want to accomplish my goals. I want to be financially secure. I want to fall in love with my man and grow with him. I want that growth to spawn a desire to bring light into the world. I want to be able to say I've done the things that will never leave me with regret if I were to have a child before accomplishing things that were important to me and my overall personal growth.

Idealistic? Maybe.
Selfish, I know.
Real talk? Most definitely.

I'm saying what some are probably hesitant to say out loud. I'm not a traditionalist. I am a realist, with a hope of implementing traditional ways as they fit into my life. I wouldn't mind being that home-maker, but it's gotta fit. I'm not completely left, but I'm right in that I'm comfortable with my expectations. I think it's okay to not just go with what's expected. If I allowed societal expectations to mold my decisions, I'd be in a different place and mind, and far from the woman I've grown to be.

I like me. In fact, I love me.

So, for now....I'll remain that woman with the active imagination; dreaming up visions of what could be, in hopes of bringing those desires to fruition and making them a reality.

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